Circumstances

This post is more of a vent post for me.  I don't want to use names, but this is still my outlet and a way to express myself so I'm going to do that here.  It probably won't make much sense, but that's okay.

I am an only child and a child of divorce.  I am stubborn and I like things my way.  I am defensive and I'm smart at knowing what buttons to push to tick people off.  I'm completely honest, sometimes brutally so.  And I'm also the most loyal friend you will ever have, unless you screw me over and then I don't spend another minute wasting my time on you.

These are harsh realities that I've been working out over the last few years and trying to change about myself.  I am the way that I am because of the circumstances life has put me in.  (What can I say?  I was a psych major ;) ), but I also don't think these circumstances define who I am.  Which is why I'm working to change them.  It's humbling really.  And has brought my relationship with God to a whole new level.

But, certain circumstances that have occurred recently have tried my patience to the core.   I give everyone a chance, but I don't have time to waste on people who play games and are deceitful.  I'm not sure anyone really has time for people like that.  Unless you have no option.

There are a few people who have come into my life over the last few years who have lied to me multiple times, treated me with zero respect, and feel that they can take certain selfish liberties with my family that they most certainly cannot.  I have such a hard time dealing with these people!  Every bone in my body wants to give them a piece of my mind, turn away and stop wasting my time on them!  I know I'm not the best person in the world.  I'm not perfect.  But I don't deserve to be treated the way I'm being treated by them.  I'm pissed.  I'm angry.  And I'm ready to forget them and move on.  I've tried every way I know how to treat them with respect, to try to get to know them, and to let them know "you can trust me."  But ugh.  They are not receptive to it or don't want to see it or are just so self-absorbed that it doesn't matter.

I say everyday, "I'm washing my hands of this."  But I can't.  For more reasons than I can talk about here.  But one of them is my own stubbornness.  I will not give them the liberty to say, "well she didn't try hard enough."  I keep trying, thinking that one day my persistence will pay off.  Maybe it will, maybe it won't.  But it won't be because I didn't try.  So for now, I suppose I will continue to push through the best that I can.

One other thing, I'm not complaining.  I think this is more of a written promise for me- "yes these people make it difficult, but keep pushing yourself because you're changing and you're doing well."  Even through all of this, I've met some amazing people who I am blessed to know!  I'm encouraged to be a better person when I'm around them, I can trust them, and it almost makes  all of this other stuff bearable!  Thanks for listening if you made it this far :)